alittle_lissa

Trust is a relationship of reliance. Trust is a prediction of reliance on an action, based on what a party knows about the other party. In sociology (and psychology) the degree to which one party trusts another is a measure of belief in the honesty, benevolence and competence of the other party. Based on the most recent research, a failure in trust may be forgiven more easily if it is interpreted as a failure of competence rather than a lack of benevolence or honesty.

 In psychology trust is believing the person who you trust to do what you expect.  Success results in feelings of security, trust, and optimism, failure in an orientation towards life of insecurity and mistrust.

 Often times, I generally expect that people might fuck up or let me down or make an ass out of themselves. For example, I lend my sister $150 with her absolute promise she'll pay me back. From experience I know I've just kissed that money goodbye. She's not going to pay me back and that she has no intention to. Therefore, I'm not surprised that she doesn't pay me back. I trusted her to do what I expected she would do.

Now, I know it's not the most flattering way to view  things. I know I hate it when I fuck up and people say "yea, i was kinda expecting you'd do that." But hell, I don't get upset about it.  It's at least an accurate assessment in how much a person knows me even though, it hurts my feelings sometimes. But the truth hurts so why complain and poke your head in the sand about it? That's just lying to yourself.

So, if you need a girl to figuratively put her foot in her mouth or trip or drop a priceless heirloom. I'm your girl no need for me to pretend that I'm not.

Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth of or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing

 Again, probably not the most flattering of ideas but yea you can have faith in the fact that my sister is not going to be paying me back. And that priceless heirloom you need broken? I'm all over it.

Honesty is the value of speaking truth and creating trust in minds of others. This includes all varieties of communication, both verbal and non-verbal. Honesty implies a lack of deceit. A statement can be strictly true and still be dishonest if the intention of the statement is to deceive its audience. Similarly, a falsehood can be spoken honestly if the speaker actually believes it to be true.

So, occassionally I read something on the internet that sparks my interest and I do a bunch of really quick research on it.

I saw an fl post and it got me researching "emotional detachment" or disassociation. My results got me really worried and I think I'm pretty much fucked relationship wise. I found these different adult attachment disorders that seem to describe me to a T.

Basically, I am fearful of forming relationships and getting close to people even though it's something I want. The result is that I either push people withwhom I am in relationships away or I avoid making close relationships all together. Either way my relationships, this applies to friendships and family as well, never last very long and I'm destined to die alone.

What I hate is that nothing I found offered any kind of hope or treatment or advice. The conclusions of the research I found was basically "these people are fucked".

How the hell am I supposed to deal with this. Like I don't have enough mental disorders to deal with I gotta add one more.

( Here's the technical info I found. Starts with the detachment stuff.  )

And a ton of scuff marks because i'm a klutz.

3.DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?

I don't talk in my sleep but I do “respond” in my sleep when really tired. So, I could have an entire conversation with someone and not wake up. I won't even remember it in the morning. Generally, during the conversation I'm just saying whatever to make the person talking to me go away quickly. Usually by saying either yes or no to anything. That's led to some rather awkward morning conversations.

( More Fun facts after the cut )

*Let it go. Let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know? The hardest part is over. Let it in! Let your clarity define you. In the end, you will only just remember how it feels*

It was hardly the first time I had heard that song. This was her third time watching that movie that day. She had hugged me many times in the past but I was always able to prepare for it mentally. I honestly think, had these things happened at any other time and any other day I would have got passed that moment and moved on. Without giving it much thought. But this time on this day. It all broke me.

I was tried of letting life pass me by. I was so tried of not feeling anything. I was tried of being alone. I just didn't know how to change. I didn't know how to want to change. The words “let it go” was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to feel that I was loved. I needed some form affection I couldn't withdraw from.

I sat there for a few minutes before walking to the restroom and crying, really crying, for the first time in a few years. I would love to say that in that moment I cried out all the anger, pain, and fear that I built up over the years. That my heart immediately melted and everything was shiny and new. Because it wasn't. What it was, was a jump start that put me back on the right path.

Slowly and surely, from that moment, I've been clawing my way back. Relearning how to trust and let people in. Most importantly, how to feel. Learning how to simply be “OK” with just being me. I've learned how to be strong and defend myself without shutting down. Becoming open to this lifestyle and embracing my submissive nature, rather than attempting to stamp in hopes of protecting myself, has been a huge leap forward for me. I've realized I need to openly express this aspect of my personality to be truly happy.

I've come a long way in a short amount of time. I actually enjoy hugs and give them frequently. I'm becoming more and more comfortable with myself and my body. I no longer worry about what people say about me and am able to protect myself if I feel like I'm getting taken advantage of. I've learned how to balance caring for others and becoming consumed by how they feel. I still have a lot to learn and I'm looking forward to it. 

I still fall into my old habits occasionally, of course. I feel myself start to pull away if I think I might get my emotions hurt. Or I might withdraw from an unexpected embrace. I believe, It will always be an on-going process. I've been working on becoming more emotionally forth-coming with people in general. Speaking honestly and clearly about my feelings. Rather, than just brushing them off and returning to the old belief that my feelings don't matter and needn't be expressed. This is the hardest obstacle I've had to overcome but I'm getting there.

I know my journey hasn't been the hardest one out there. But, it's been mine.

I continued this way for more years than I care to admit. Years I spent, being surrounded by people that I cared about but slowly I came to realize they didn't care about me. They used me. Kept me around to feed their egos. Be their constant emotional support. Listen to all of their problems. Be their 'ugly friend” that they could stand next to, compare, and come off feeling much better about themselves. How I could maintain relationships for so long I'm still not certain. How didn't I see that they didn't care about me? I just made excuses for their self-involvement. Believed whatever lame excuse they had to cut off a conversation whenever I wanted to talk about my emotions, thoughts, hopes, dreams, nightmares. Or even something as simple as my day. I began to firmly believe that my emotions, my thoughts, was something others were interested in hearing about. They weren't something others should care about. Worse, I began to agree that they shouldn't.

I realized how little they cared for me and I began to pull away. Of course, I wasn't missed. Even though, despite myself, they were. I began to withdraw into myself. After every failed relationship and every loss, I pulled my emotions back more and more. Withdrew further into myself. Protecting myself from those that could hurt me. Convinced myself that the only way I could survive was to keep my emotions firmly in check. To not care about anyone but myself. To always keep my defenses high and never let anyone know that I was hurting. Self-preservation, I suppose.

To say I became emotionally guarded would be a gross understatement. My heart began to close. Any emotional vulnerability I had was smothered. I was in so much pain but refused to show it. I'd smile often to keep questions at bay but it never reached my eyes. I made acquaintances with people and dated others but never developed any real connections with any of them. I can't remember most of their names.

Quickly, I began to lose interest in even pretending to have any type of relationship with people. My life began to drift by without my really interacting with it, I simply observed others, I felt like a ghost. And unfortunately, I was OK with that. I watched people interact, heard the things they said. Lived through them vicariously and scorned them mercilessly.

My loss of emotional vulnerability continued until I could no longer accept affection. I couldn't handle hugs, being touched, being kissed. My skin would crawl. I couldn't breathe. My body would react instinctively and being to curl into a ball. Before reacting defensively and pushing them away. In hindsight, I think when I was touched I felt like I became visible. People could see me and hurt me. They would see how little I cared for myself. How much weight I let myself gain. How much I drank to escape. They would see and judge and mock.

Who knows how long I would have continued that way had it not been for a four year old, Pixar, and a pop song. Sounds ridiculous, I know. I had a turning point one random spring afternoon. Just a small moment of clarity where I looked at myself and wondered. Why am I doing this to myself?